According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, nearly half – 45.1 percent – of women in the United States experienced some form of sexual violence in their lifetimes. In terms of domestic violence, many statistics show that at least 95 percent of domestic violence reports come from women.
Abusers have a very particular modus operandi, and during that time in my life, while I was still waiting for “my turn,” I unknowingly found myself slipping into one of these relationships. I learned through both trauma and therapy that abusers often operate in a very particular and strategic way: charm, isolation, dependency, and abuse.
When I first met my abuser, I had only recently turned 22 and had newly ended a three-year relationship. This made me incredibly vulnerable to his initial charm, and I never imagined that I would unwittingly find myself in the grips of an abusive partner. In the beginning, there were compliments and expensive dates. My abuser abruptly told me that he loved me on our second date. However, this period in our relationship was very short-lived.
Before I had an opportunity to fully understand what was happening, he began to isolate me from family and friends. This started small, such as always wanting me to spend the night instead of going home and quickly morphed into not allowing me to go anywhere other than work. I was forced to change my phone number, making it nearly impossible for old friends to contact me. I missed Christmas and New Year’s Day with my family that year. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt as though I had no other choice.
Isolation turned into dependency. Abusers have a way of breaking you down piece by piece, until you lack all sense of self-worth. My confidence was shattered by his controlling nature and obsessive jealousy. Abusers utilize tactics to control their victims for personal benefit. He always needed to know where I was and grant his permission to be anywhere outside of his direct control. My phone needed to be answered by the second ring; otherwise, there would be hell to pay.
Daily, I was riddled with comments and insults:
- “I need to see your text messages and calls.”
- “You’d be prettier if you lost weight.”
- “It’s your fault that I hurt you.”
- “If you leave me, no one else will ever want you.”
- “You’re such a whore and that’s why no one else will ever love you.”
Before long, I started to believe everything that my abuser said. I was a hollow and broken version of my former self.
Domestic violence is a choice that abusers make. Abusers choose to abuse. Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I wish that I had known and understood these words when I first met my abuser.
In hindsight, all the signs of an abuser and psychopathy were present. Psychopaths, by definition, use their charisma to manipulate others. I became enthralled by his initial charismatic nature and failed to recognize the warning signs and red flags.
According to author John G. Taylor in “Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men That Abuse,” men who abuse are, “clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in; they are adept at charming, deceiving, and manipulating.”
For these reasons, I have tried to forgive and grant myself a small bit of grace.
